Sometimes, we become ‘experts’ in the things we ‘don’t want’ in our lives and as you may already have guessed from previous posts, I’m a great believer in ‘what you focus on is what you get’…
If you’re lacking confidence generally or in a specific area of your life, it is most definitely as a result of what you are thinking!
The thoughts we have and those we run over and over in our minds. will be the ‘results’ we experience in our lives, therefore the ‘key to unlocking our inner confidence’ is to change how and what we are thinking!
I used to ‘fear’ public speaking and my thoughts ran along the lines of:
“I’ll never be any good at giving presentations”
“Who’d want to listen to me when there are amazing speakers in the world like Tony Robbins, Andy Harrington etc. “
“What if I have a panic attack when I’m speaking in front of people?”
Was I right?
You bet I was! I ‘never’ could be any good at giving presentations if I continued to ‘never give them’…
Actually, the truth is… and I don’t admit this often (as hubby may tell you…) I was VERY WRONG!!
- Would I really ‘never’ be good at giving presentations or in reality, was this a skill I could ‘learn and develop’?
- Would ‘nobody‘ want to listen to me or could there be somebody who may actually be interested in my view on something?
- Would improving my level of skill and practicing self hypnosis and starting small and building up to larger audiences reduce the risk of having a panic attack?
I’d generalised my thoughts and in doing so, I was ‘holding back’ and therefore I was proving myself right by the ‘action’ or in the case of public speaking the ‘inaction’ I was taking.
If I stop doing things because of my ‘wrong thoughts’, those ‘wrong thoughts’ will ALWAYS prove me ‘right’!!
Often it’s also our fear of moving away from our ‘comfort zone’ combined with our ‘fear of failure’ that holds us back.. We make ‘excuses’. in order to prove ourselves right?
- We become 100% confident in our ‘assurance’ to ourselves and others that we aren’t ‘confident’ about doing something!
- Have you ever noticed yourself contradicting someone quite ‘forcefully’ when they tell you that they think you’d be ‘good at something’? You answer with a very ‘confident’ voice … “No you’re wrong – I’m rubbish at that!!!”
Public Speakers University
The difference between those who lack confidence and those who exude confidence. is the ability to act above and beyond and despite of the fear.
Everybody will feel some form of fear at some point in their lives. Some of us allow the ‘fear’ to consume our thoughts and we keep telling ourselves how ‘rubbish’ we are and convincing ourselves about what we ‘can’t do’. Our subconscious brain will then be determined to fit in with our habitual negative way of thinking and consequently, we feel less and less confident….
In contrast, People who ‘exude’ confidence, may have the same initial thoughts and fears but instead of allowing those thought patterns to control their actions, they take action to prove themselves wrong. They may try something and ‘fail’ – they don’t give up though, they’ll simply try a different way. They don’t ‘give in’ to any ‘negative thoughts’ – they kick the negative thoughts back to the side-lines of their playing field and they continue to play the game of life! If they don’t achieve what they set out to do at the first attempt, they’ll continue to try until they eventually succeed.
I’m sure you’ll have heard the story about Thomas Eddison who having tried over a thousand different ways to invent the ‘lightbulb’ and never giving up, eventually succeeded. When he was asked why he’d not ‘given up’ after ‘failing’ so many times, he responded that he’d not ‘failed’, he’d simply learned a thousand ways how not to create the lightbulb, paving the way for his subsequent success……
To ‘Gain Confidence’, we need to remind ourselves that we were ‘born confident’ and then copy those childhood instincts.
- When a baby learns to walk, the baby watches those around him, makes his first attempt to walk and inevitably falls down. However, unlike many adults, the baby doesn’t give up.. he simply continues to try until eventually one day, he finds his balance and teeters across the room. He keeps practicing until he masters the skill of walking… and then there’s no holding him back, as I’m sure many of you will have experienced as you’ve chased around after the ‘teetering toddler’!
If we were ‘born with confidence’ and we had the ability to learn to walk, talk, feed ourselves etc. etc. etc. without ‘giving up’ at the first hurdle, we know deep down that we still have that ‘inner confidence’ within us. Instead of allowing the ‘habit’ of ‘negative thinking patterns’ to control our behaviour, we need to ‘mimic the baby within us’ and re-discover the ‘confidence building thoughts’ that we had as a young toddler.
That ‘baby confident’ way of thinking hasn’t disappeared completely. Everything we were born with, remains within us and is simply ‘buried’ under a mound of rubbish that we’ve built up over many years in our mind and which was often established as a ‘thought process’, as a result of the things we were told as children.
In some cases, we picked up on the ‘lack of confidence’ we witnessed in our parents or maybe we were told that we weren’t ‘good at …..’ something or we weren’t encouraged to keep trying something new etc. We often ‘learned’ our ‘lack of confidence’ from people around us and particularly from parents and teachers i.e. the adults in our lives – and adults are ALWAYS right aren’t they?…..NOT!!!
Top Tip: Think about the language you are using when you speak to children in your life and never tell them they’re ‘rubbish at something’. Watch this Facebook clip – it’s a wonderful example of how we can change the course of our children’s lives, by how we communicate with them…
https://www.facebook.com/powerofpositivity/videos/10154500437397371/
Now it’s time for us to re-establish our ‘toddler’ thought process and to take action to ‘build confidence’. By taking action, even if we fall down, we can pick ourselves back up and try again!
Building Confidence Exercise 2: FLIP IT…
- Over the next few days, become ‘consciously aware’ of the thoughts in your head. Each time you notice yourself telling yourself that you ‘can’t do something’ or that you’re ‘rubbish at something’ or that you ‘don’t feel confident enough to do …..’, stop for a moment and write the ‘thought’ down.
- At the end of each day, take a couple of minutes to read what you’ve written and then re-write the statement in a positive way. For examples:
- “I’m rubbish at learning new things” could be ‘flipped’ to “My learning skills are improving day by day”
- “I’ll never have the confidence to stand up and speak in front of people” could flip to say “I’m learning new skills that are helping me to gain confidence in public speaking”
- Keep repeating the new statement to yourself every morning and every evening over the next few weeks. If you catch yourself falling back to the old ‘habitual negative pattern of thinking’ simply ‘flip it’, to the new phrase that you’ve written down. Once you catch yourself out enough times and ‘flip’ to the new way of thinking, it won’t be long before the ‘flip it’ thought becomes the ‘natural thought’ and your confidence will start to grow.
- Our subconscious mind will believe whatever you tell it, whether it’s the ‘actual truth’ or an ‘imagined truth and therefore by ‘flipping’ the ‘negative thoughts into a ‘positive’ statement you can start to build a new pattern of thinking, which enables your subconscious mind to start finding the evidence and suggesting actions you could take, which support your new way of thinking.
Following this new ‘thoughts process’ and ‘taking small ‘baby action steps’, will make a massive difference to how you view yourself and your level of confidence and you will start to believe what you can do instead of what you can’t. As a result, the subconscious mind will then look for opportunities to help rebuild your inner confidence!
This goes back to the comment I left on the first part of the series. There is power in positive thoughts. Thank you so much for this detailed how to build confidence. I will be using these in the upcoming weeks.
Author
Brilliant – I’m so glad you’ve found something useful to help you build your ‘inner’ confidence! Let me know if they help over the coming weeks!! xx
I think your observation about infants is well placed. It’s definitely worth recognizing how much we “learn”, good and bad, over time.
On some level I suspect it has to do with how we understand and perceive the world. As a toddler we don’t really recognize the world except as something we interact with. We’re very egocentric at that age.
It isn’t until later that we learn comparison through ranks and hierarchies.
One of my mentors is regularly telling me to stop comparing myself to others, reminding me that my path is not their path.
I also think there’s a cultural negative connotation to setbacks as well. We use labels like “failure” and “loser”, as if there was a finality to it, when the reality is “not succeeding” is an essential part of learning, and in many ways the experience of suffering setbacks is part of what allows us to feel a sense of achievement and exultation when we do succeed.
Author
Great to meet you Adam…. You’re absolutely right.. we learn our greatest lessons from our biggest mistake. There is no finality and we can always change for the better when we simply make our minds up that that’s what we’re going to do. It sounds like you have a great mentor Adam! xx
Thank you. I will pass that on to her.
Author
Brilliant! x
Sending you and yours a hug. Prayers to Manchester. xx
Author
Thank you for caring Brigid. I’ve been in a bubble for the last 2 weeks having spent all my time with my mother in law who succeeded yesterday in her transition from life on earth to her new life in heaven. My bubble has burst and I’m ready to continue enjoying my life on earth with refreshed inspiration after the journey I’ve witnessed over the last 2 weeks… and of course after the unbelievably tragic events in Manchester… Thank you for caring and your hugs mean a lot! xx
So true, if only we could keep the child mentality all our lives and not let outside sources influence us like the do..
Author
We definitely can improve our lives be reconnecting with the confidence we start out with in our lives! I’m so sorry for the delayed response Sheryl.. I’ve been living life in a sad and yet inspiring bubble as I spent all my time over the last 2 weeks with my mother in law who passed away yesterday. Although sad, it’s also been a truly inspiring and insightful 2 weeks.. xx
Wendy dreadfully worried are you and your family all right?? Found you on Twitter left a message there too. Please let us know – thoughts and prayers with you all xxx
Author
Dear Samantha – thank you for caring! I’ve been in a bubble over the last 2 weeks, spending all my time with my mother in law who sadly and yet thankfully succeeded in her transition from life on earth to her new life in heaven yesterday… After witnessing her journey over the last 2 weeks, I’ve had an amazing insight and return from my ‘bubble’ ready to continue living my life on earth to the full… also inspired by the horrific events in Manchester… Thank you so much for caring!xxx
Pleased to hear from you and I am sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Godspeed to her.
Take care xxx
Author
Thanks Samantha .. xxx
Wendy, are you ok? I’m so worried if you or any of your family, relatives or friends were hurt during yesterday’s terror attack. My heart is beating very fast as I write this message…XXX
Author
Thank you so much for caring…. I’m so sorry for the delayed response.. I’ve lived life in a bubble for the last 2 weeks, spending all my time with my mother in law who sadly and yet thankfully passed away yesterday. It’s been a truly sad and yet inspiring period as I watched her journey from life on earth to her new life in heaven.. Thankyou for caring – I simply can’t imagine how the poor families are coping with their grief following the tragic events here in Manchester. Sending you much love and a big hug! xxx
Hi Wendy. I am very sorry for your loss. Hope you are recovering from grieving.
I can not tell you how relieved I was when I found out that you were ok. Even though you were going through a tough time personally, the moment I knew you were safe was one of my happiest time in the recent days.
Have a good rest and look after yourself. I look forward to reading your blog soon. XXX
Author
Thanks so much and now I’m truly hoping that you are ok after the horrific events in London last night. I’m so hoping your not directly affected although I know we are all affected by the suffering that is being experienced… Much love to you and your family xxxx
Hi Wendy! We are all safe and well. What a terrible time we are living. I truly hope this kind of tragedy is not becoming our daily norm. Let’s stay safe and loving. XXXX
Author
Oh so true and you’re absolutely right we can continue to spread our love to shine above these horrific acts of terror.. Thank goodness you’re ok!!! xxxxxxx
Just got up to hear the terrible news on the BBC… Everything ok? Sad times. We more than ever need to be confident in the future.
Author
Dear Joelle.. thank you so much for caring!! I’m so sorry for delayed response as I’ve been living life in a bubble over the last 2 weeks, spending all my time with my mother in law, who sadly passed away yesterday.. I know you’ll understand and I genuinely appreciate that you cared enough to ‘check in’ with me after the incredibly tragic events here in Manchester – thank you so much! Sending you love and a big hug as I return from my personal bubble… xx
You’re welcome, Wendy. Of course knowing of people in Manchester made this tragedy so much more real. I am sorry about your mother-in-law. It is important for your husband to have you by his side right now. Please extend my condoleances to him.
A hug to you
xx
Author
Thank you so much Joelle.. Your love and kindness is truly touching! Much love returned with a hug! xxx
This is great, Wendy! Funny, I was just listening to a spiritual seminar that fear is illusion – that is, it doesn’t exist! Your tips are practical and so supportive.
Sending you blessings,
Debbie
ps – “born with confidence” – GREAT! Love love love
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Thanks so much Debbie.. I very much appreciate your support and kindness.. xx
Author
Thank you Debbie for the love you share. I’ve been living life in a bubble for the last 2 weeks, spending all my time with my mother in law as she made her journey from her life on earth to her new life in heaven. It has been a truly spiritual time… I’m back myself now though into the land of the living here on earth, inspired to share more love to those in my world… So much love sent to you Debbie and thank you for caring xxx
Oh Wendy, thanks so much for sharing. Sending you and your whole family much love and Light. 💓 It sounds like a magnificent experience for you. God I’m so happy, and so glad you’re back blogging. Feel free to email me anytime at weloveyou@forgivingconnects.com. Hugs from America, and much love Wendy -Debbie
Excellent piece! fear is our enemy, it retards growth and keep its victims to remain at a spot. Daring to take risks can never get us anywhere. Your little kids analogy is fantastic.👍
Author
Absolutely true.. I’m glad you like the reminder about how we are all ‘born confident’.. xx
Another excellent instalment and one that I will be following carefully through the next few days. I’ve been doing Part 1 and I do feel the benefit. I know I have to persevere and I am. Wendy – the thing is that I have CONFIDENCE in you to help me build mine. Thank you xx
Author
Aww how lovely – thanks Osyth and I have CONFIDENCE in you to keep up the brilliant work.. action is one of the keys!! xxx